My Bitter Sweet Memories of a Bitter Sweet Week.

On Wednesdays Boyd leaves for work at about 7:45 and doesn't get home until Luke is fast asleep. Last night Luke woke up when he heard his dad's voice, and Boyd being the softy that he is brought him out to the lounge for cuddles. Boyd was stroking Luke's hair back on the left  of his head, to reveal that Luke still has no hair above his ear and around to his fringe line. Yes there is very few and fine strands of hair but nothing like the mass of hair on the other side.... Right there.... a memory.

This week for me has been a week of memories and emotion.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and also the 1 year anniversary of Luke's 'accident'.

Our tradition on your birthday is that you all jump into bed together, open prezzies and eat breakfast! Always good fun and not any different on this day.

A friend of mine, who I went to high school with and then completed my first year of bible college with had rang me that morning to catch up for a cuppa. She had just had her second baby girl who I hadn't met and I was excited to catch up on life since we hadn't done for about 12 months. She is a friend who I could say comes close to the proverbs 31 woman! She has a gentle nature and caring spirit. She is an amazing mother and would care for anyone else's child like it was her own. She is laid back, warm, welcoming, loves to sow and has been so creative in making her girls the most beautiful dresses. This girl I call it an honour and privilege to call my friend. You couldn't ask for more of a God fearing, Godly obedient and secure girl. She really is amazing...and to top it off even sang at my wedding! I was excited to see her on my special day, even though she had no idea it was my birthday but want a great birthday prezzie!

No I wont be mentioning her name.

We had a great time catching up, the kids were playing great and I loved having cuddle with her baby girl. I had arranged with a heap of my mummy friends to catch up down the park for lunch! I obviously didn't give it a second thought to ask my friend along!

So off we went...my friend walked out the door, hands full, quickly putting the kids in the car, while I frantically ran around inside grabbing my picnic blanket and drinks and putting them in a bag... all of a sudden I realized my little man 'Luke' wasn't following me around as the usual 14month old does...
I wasn't too worried... walking into the lounge, he wasn't there, walking into his bedroom, he wasn't there, walking into my bedroom he wasn't there... then I saw the front door open..."No he wouldn't have gone out there, he never has without me...I better check anyway"... going out with a funny look on my face...My friend stopped reversing her Nisson Patrol and idled, seeing the funny look on my face....

In that moment, my life changed. I walked towards her car to see her back tire on top of Luke's Left arm, shoulder and head... I screamed...
I ran to him, trying to pull him out, but I couldn't get him out...Pulling myself together, I knew if my friend drove forward Luke would die, but if she kept reversing over him, there was more chance of his surviving (I honestly don't know why I thought this, but it was what the police and doctors later confirmed)... I screamed hitting the car yelling 'REVERSE REVERSE REVERSE'...and she did, releasing him, I pulled him out and laid him on the grass...
"CALL AN AMBULANCE, CALL AN AMBULANCE" I was yelling yelling yelling!! I could she my friend had frozen and broken down in the drivers seat of her car... I ran inside and grabbed my mobile phone, running out I said to God "No God, he is not dying today"...
All in that matter of 15 seconds, the neighbour across the road ran over, hearing my plea for help and 2 electricians who were building the house next door ran over... It was as though God had sent me two angles!
The electrician knew first aid and started assessing Luke, putting him in the right positions as the other guy ran through my house grabbing water and towels and tissues and other stuff...all happening so fast...
My friend and I knelt beside Luke, crying and praying that God would keep him. The neighbour across the road ringing 000 on my phone...
He looked so different. His head was out of shape and his eyes had sunk back into his head so you could see the caverty where they should have been sitting, his left arm had the tyre prints on it and the left side of his face was taken off, blood pouring out. It wasnt a cut, it was just gone...
The neighbour had rang the ambo and I could hear the sirens coming...2 police cars had arrived first. 4 police men jumped out, one assisting my friend, one getting her kids out of her car and assisting them, one telling people to stay back and the other with me, Luke and the electrician.
They were amazing. One of the first things he said to me was 'Jess, this isn't your fault' and it was just what I needed to hear...  inside I was saying to God 'Can i change place with him God...take me, not Luke'
The ambo's arrived and they were AMAZING! After cutting all his clothes off and putting him on a back board thing (not knowing if he had spinal injuries) we got into the ambulance.

The paramedics said to me that the doctors will have to take over because there is more chance of internal injuries, but Luke was doing so well because he wasn't bleeding out of his eyes and ears, which meant there was less likely to be brain injury. And hadn't vomited blood, and no blood out of his bottom... reassurance was just want I needed to hear!!

However we arrived at the hospital, Boyd and Mum waiting as we got out of the ambulance. That is when I felt so guilty! Guilt overwhelmed me...I couldn't stop saying sorry...I was so overwhelmed I wanted to vomit. I felt nauseas but I had to keep it together for Luke.

Luke's first vomit came...yep blood... I knew what that meant! No!!! God!! Please save my little boy!!
We were in the 1st Bay trauma unit. Had the best, amazing and quickest care....everyone was ready! Off we went straight away for x-rays and scans...

That day seemed to go forever and so fast at the same time. Some people would say "How could God let this happen?".... I say..."I couldn't have done this day without God" He was with us all the way through it!
We had soooo many nurses and doctors come in to see us that day, just because they heard he was the miracle child. Some nurses told me that an angel must have lifted the car over Luke that day, and I totally believe it!  When baby's are born their skull is 3 pieces and over the next 2 years it grows together and becomes really strong and one piece. The doctors put it down to Luke being young enough that his skull moved and overlapped each other to take the impact and protect the brain.
The blood vomit was from a torn oesophagus which would heal itself. As for broken bones... there was NONE!! Yes, can you believe it!! YES God is amazing!

The next thing was his face... first grafting was talked about (gulp), however after speaking with the burns unit at PMH they decided to use some ointment that they use on eyeballs to help them heal without scarring; because Luke's skin was still so delicate and they wanted the hair to be able to grow through.

He had a massive concussion so he was vomiting for the next 24 hours due to trauma on the brain. However his brain was perfect. The only thing was he had lost some hearing to the left ear.
They also said he would need some intense physiotherapy over the next few months... to start moving and using his left arm and shoulder.

When we left hospital, days later, it was like taking a newborn home. For the next 3 weeks, Luke didn't move. He didnt crawl or walk. Having to go back to feeding him rather than feeding himself...and going back to the hospital every few days for more x-rays and scans and doctors appointments.... It was a crazy month...

Today Luke is a healthy and active 2 year old, at our 6 month check-up after the accident he got the all clear bill of health, with full hearing and completely healed! :)

Yes, I still have flashbacks of that day, dream of walking out and seeing him under the car... but everyday it gets better, and everyday I see my miracle, my God at work and worthy of all the praise.
So tomorrow, on my birthday, it will be an anniversary of a horrible day, I wish no parent has to ever go through, but its also a celebration of life and health and a God who heals and saves! I don't know how I will feel or be but ill just take it minute by minute with Luke and Boyd by my side.

Your probably thinking about my friend...this day was just as traumatic for her as it was for me. Forensics had to come and take photos of the car and property as they didn't know if Luke would live or die. In those photos, there is one of photo, showing the skin and hair that Luke was missing still stuck onto the wheel of the car. CRAZY! She couldn't drive for over 3 weeks and had to deal with the guilt feeling everyday. This was an accident and in no way have I ever blamed her. She learnt just as much as I did that day! Its something that she will have to deal with everyday when the memories and thoughts that pop into her head. But with an incredible God that we both serve and believe in, I know we can get through this. There is now and will always be a special bond between us, one I will treasure forever. She came up to the hospital that night...just because I believed she needed to see that he was alive. Yes, he didn't look great, but he wasn't dead and we were going to get through this! That night was a significant night for both of us! I doubt she slept much that night, I didn't at all...But every morning the sun comes out and we celebrate a new day! A new day the Lord has made and we will rejoice and be glad in it!

These photo's aren't the greatest quality. They were taken on my phone (not a good one)...

I couldn't have done it with out my mum! Love you mum! xo

Finally home! YAY... Watching TV with dad...

And the healing begins!

Puddles

Today we arrive at Gods Girls (a program run for women at our church) and there was a HUGE puddle in the car park... As soon as I got Luke out of the car he walked over to it... without hesitation I yelled out "Luke don't you dare go in the water!! Don't get wet!!" And the perfect child that he is (haha... No not perfect!) He listened!! WELL DONE LUKE and off we went into church...

We had a great time with our mothers group and it was now time to go home... we walked back outside to greet the BIG puddle again....and again without hesitation I said "...NO LUKE...Don't touch it! Its time to go home..." and then it dawned on me...or you could say the Holy Spirit just dropped it into my heart...

"Let Luke be a kid. Let him jump in the puddles."

Ben was asleep so I transfered him into the car...he stayed peacefully asleep (which never happens)

so I said, "Go on Luke run through the puddle" ... I actually had to say it a few times, until he realized I was for real.!! Haha...

But as I stood and watched him playing in that puddle, having a total blast, it made me realize our lives can get too busy to let our kids be kids!!

Yep, he was in their, shoes, socks and all. Kicking, jumping and running through a puddle in the middle of our church car park!

For about 25mins he played! And LOVED it!

Clothes and shoes can dry!

Moments like this are worth more than money can buy!

A memory captured in the heart of a little boy!

Gives a mothers heart so much joy!

(haha...I seriously didn't intend for that to rhyme. I'm a poet and I just don't know it ;) )

Photos taken on my phone, not very good quality! Sorry.

My dare for you this week... Let the kids splash in a puddle!!

No, not when you have planned it and they are in their play clothes and gumboots ... but in a spontaneous moment!... You may even join them... I wish I had!

Have a blessed day...

and mums...its just a little mud and water!!

Permission to REST!

Rest.

What’s that?

Something I need more of.

Something I COULD have but do not give myself permission for.

Anyone who knows me… knows I’m a go go person. I’m strong and passionate, I’m a goal setter, I like achieving and winning and I know a lot of you are the same.

I have spoken to a couple of people in the last few days and this very issue has arisen in each conversation. What is it to Rest?

I’m a tired mummy. I’m a tired wife. I’m a tired friend. I am tired… but I still go and go and go and go and go….and then one day I fall in a heap.

Today was the first morning in the last nearly 6 years that I had the morning all to myself. Luke has just started full time pre primary and Ben has started a 3 year old kindy for only half a day a week – Tuesday mornings.

I had 2.5 hour ALL TO MYSELF! What was I gonna do??... so I jammed as many errands and jobs in as I possibly could before running frantically to school to pick up Ben. Phew….and then off to do a few other commitments… meanwhile had the washing machine running at home… dinner slow cooking, dishwasher cleaning… then back to school to pick up Luke, home to a play date for the boys, while sipping tea, cutting veggies and finalising dinner, hanging out that washing, bath boys, feed family…HAVE NOT STOPPED.

…and when I do stop… I feel… guilty. I feel as though I should be doing something. I could be at least doing something… even if its just returning emails, or replying to that text… I’m not sure if It’s our society, our culture, our generation, or just me…. But resting is something I find difficult. But rest is something I need. I know I will be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend if I learn to REST!

What does rest actually mean?

Rest is freedom from work, toil, strain or activity. Rest is the termination of motion or action of any kind, and applicable to any body or being, as rest from labour, rest from mental exertion or rest of body or mind. A body is at rest, when it ceases to move. The mind is at rest, when it ceases to be disturbed or agitated.

We have this pressure mounting within us, to be everything to everyone. We struggle to say no. We struggle to find balances. We are told constantly we need to find time to exercise, to eat right, to work, to be social but we are very rarely are told to rest.

Even my girlfriend this morning text me saying she had dropped both her kids off to school and she too had the first day to herself in years… and didn’t know what to do!

I wonder… just wonder… if the statistics of depression and a anxiety would decrease dramatically if we actually encouraged and educated our society and each other on the benefits of rest!

Exodus 33:14 “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

Psalm 62:5 “Yes, my soul, find rest in God: my hope comes from him.”

Mums… its time to give yourself permission to rest – I’m telling myself this too! Its time to start listening to our bodies; its time for me to LEARN how to rest EFFECTIVELY!

 “Just as it’s difficult to get lazy individuals to work more diligently, it is just as difficult to get the hard drivers to back off. Of course you need to train hard, but you also need to rest hard (or at least effectively)” Bob Takano

I’ve lived in my new home for 4 months with this gorgeous big bathtub, and have not used it once! So I promise within the next 2 weeks I am going to fill up the bath tub, once the kids are in bed, light some candles, listen to some music and REST!

Effective Rest means different things to different people! The most effective rest is SLEEP! But sometimes rest is permission to give yourself a hot bath, to watch a romantic comedy AT LUNCH TIME, to sit in the fresh air and read a magazine, to do some knitting in the afternoon sun, to go the bed early, to say ‘no’ to more commitments just so you book in time to REST!

We THEN can give our best to our loved ones! We THEN can enjoy life MORE! We THEN can give our bodies time to heal and rejuvenate.

Its time I give myself permission to rest! I hope you can too!

The Silent Struggle

I have never been someone who has kept quiet with the struggles I have had to fall pregnant and because of this I get so many girls asking me about what I needed to do to fall pregnant or sharing with me their stories of infertility… and ‘what should I do next?’ questions.

The reality is that many around us are silently struggling with infertility.

For so many of us it’s a taboo subject. It’s sensitive. It hurts to the depths of our souls and we don’t want to speak about it for the fear of being even more hurt by the comments of others.

Today I want to share with both the girls reading this who are struggling to fall pregnant but also to the girls who have been blessed with easy conceptions, and how we can be supportive to each other.

I don’t even know how to start this next paragraph… I can already feel the pain of girls reading this so desperate for a baby. A special little one so desperately desired. We were born to do it. Our bodies designed to reproduce. Something so natural but yet we cannot control or ‘make happen’.  I want to tell you a few things…

1.     You are AMAZING! In what can be the most heart wrenching, emotional place, you still go to your friend’s baby shower and smile. You still cuddle your sister’s newborn.  You still dote over your nieces and nephews. You still congratulate your friend’s pregnancy announcements even though inside your heart is breaking. I know that feeling. I know that heart ache.  You are a Warrior. You are selfless. You are strong. You are brave.

2.     This is NOT your fault. We don’t know why this happens. Or why you. I, Jess, had the ‘issue’ when we went to the doctor. It was me. I let the team down. My body failed. But with a supportive husband by my side. We were in this together. TOGETHER!

       Make sure you talk about it…and then talk some more. Sometimes it gets so hard we shut down… we forget to communicate about the things that hurt us to the core. Cry together.  Pray together. Talk together. Go to the doctor together…. And then find something that makes you laugh….and laugh together. Going through this roller-coaster of emotions means you are going to need a GREAT relationship with your partner to survive.
      Boyd says "Make sure you have good times, hours of careless fun and laughter. Moments where this journey doesn't consume you. Don't let this situation rob you of great date nights and fun times together"

3.     Don’t isolate yourself. Please don’t isolate yourself. I know it’s easy to. I know why you do it but It’s not healthy and in the end will make you bitter. Bitterness kills you from the inside… It’s like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

4.     Some people are just going to make those silly comments. Some people are going to feel like they have the answer. Some people have the emotional sensitivity of a brick! Be the bigger person. Smile. Let it be water off a ducks back. We can become easily offended people…but you don’t want to become that! Be quick to forgive. Don’t worry; I’ve heard some rippers!!! Sometimes I want to LAUGH when I hear them…”HAHAHA…really you think the chlorine in the water is why I cant fall pregnant!? What do you suggest? To not drink water?” LOL!

5.     Get around friends who are going to love you through this season. Who you can share honestly and intimately with. If they don’t understand they will say “I don’t understand what you're going through, but I’m going to cry with you, support you and be here through the emotional up’s and downs.”

It's awesome how we all kinda know how many children we are meant to have… We have this gut instinct that tells us 2 or 3 or 4 or more…or for some women they birth their last child and feel ‘finished’. After I had Luke even my doctor said that my body may correct itself and i'll be able to have other children without any medical help. That wasn't the case. We needed help to have Ben...and after 10 rounds/cycles of treatment for my third child, it hasn't worked. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to. I don't know why. I may never know why. However this can not rob me of my life and my joy. 

Choosing to have a child, then conceiving and birthing a healthy baby is one of life’s greatest miracles. PLEASE don’t assume everyone has it this easy. Please understand this is really a miracle! A true blessing from above. It seems as though more and more couples are struggling to conceive. I don’t know why. I’m not here to analyse why…. regardless of why…. Its still an issue our friends, our loved ones, our family members, our neighbours may be facing. We need to support, love, encourage, uplift and pray for those who are struggling. Give them a bigger hug on Mothers Day. Cry with them. Listen to them. Listen to their heart. You can't fix it. Don't try to. 

Lastly, I want to apologise of behalf of those who thought they would be helpful but only proved to be hurtful, with comments such as “God is just waiting for the right time” or “Enjoy your freedom now because it all goes away when you have kids” or “Have you ever thought about adoption?” or “Your lucky to have 2 kids, you don’t want anymore!” or “You just need more faith”… I apologise on behalf of them. Sometimes you just need to hear that apology to give the power of forgiveness the opportunity to flow through you. Let that hurt and pain go so you can live life. Its time to heal from needless pain. One step at a time. One doctors appointment at a time. One blood test at a time. One injection at a time. One prayer at a time.

God is a good God. We don’t understand why these things happen. We don’t need to know why. But I still know without a shadow of a doubt. My God is a Good God.

With all my love and prayers!

Jess xoxo

Comparison

I have been talking to one of my close friends on and off about comparison for the last few months.
Comparison. Its dangerous. Its a thief of joy. Its a thief of friendship. It can isolate you. It can depress you... but for some strange reason we constantly do it to each other. We compare our friends, our husbands, our kids, our houses, our schools, our churches. We compare ourselves. We use it as a measure of success. The trap is that as long as you compare yourself to others, you’ll always feel like you don’t quite measure up.

I was sitting at my friends house feeling quite insecure about my cooking abilities as I watched her dash around her kitchen baking biscuits for the kids, a meal for a family in need, dinner for her own family, making jams and chutneys without a flinch. Her kitchen always has incredible smells coming from it... she goes on to show me her latest craft projects, quilts she has made, paintings she has painted.... I was thinking ... How does she do it!? Where does she find the time?  .... and at times I find myself walking out feeling discouraged that I can't keep up with her momentum in the kitchen. When I made a silly comment out loud, she turned around and said "well your house is clean and organised".  Here we were seeing each others strengths whilst comparing our talents against eachothers. We stopped, with a cuppa in hand, had a heart to heart about how we both need to stop comparing ourselves with everyone around us. Its a weakness we can now keep each other accountable with. We love each other, we admire each other, we now encourage each other in our strengths and help each other in our weaknesses.

One of the greatest secrets of having happiness in your life is learning how to eliminate envy!

“Let everyone be sure to do his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work done well and won’t need to compare himself with someone else” (Galatians 6:4).

"When they measure themselves with themselves and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding and behave unwisely" (2 Corinthians 10:12).

Its time to stop. You are gifted, you are talented. You are beautiful and you are able to make changes within yourself so you do your best... You have to CHOOSE to stop comparing!

We are apples and oranges. You can not compare one to the other. 

Life has thrown us different situations and circumstances we have had to work through. We have made different choices. Loved different people. Raised different children. Lived different lives.

But I find satisfaction in this, that I do my best. I will still fail and still fall short. But I'm human.

One of my favourite quotes at the moment is this...

With all my love.

Jess xx