They Are Ours? Part 3 in a series

The first portion of our journey was in Nanning- the capitol city in Guanxi Province. It was July and the heat was unbearable. It seems when the heat is high so are the tensions and that is the way it felt to all of us.

We woke up to the same craziness that happened when we went to bed. Emma yelling, both girls jumping on the beds and running in the hallway

We quickly got everyone ready for the day. I tried to tenderly help them get dressed but my heart was not into it.

Inside I wasn't so sure we had done the right thing and I wondered if we should even sign the papers to make the adoption official.

I couldn't even talk about it. We just moved forward as we were "supposed to".

There was little conversation between hubby and I- we just tried to work together and get our tasks completed.

Katie was not as helpful this time around and I could tell she was stressed, too.

Sarah on the other hand was incredible. She was our mini trip director and kept up the level of fun. She didn't know enough to question the behavior we were all seeing and she welcomed her new sisters with open arms. She was actually a good influence on all of us- we were thankful that we brought her!

Anna played well and was excited for the whole experience BUT she sensed something was not right and often would seek refuge in the arms of an adult.

Emma and Ellie loved Sarah and clamored for her attention. They didn't have much time for Anna. She got in the way and was a bother to them.

We later found out that they had a baby bio sister that was still with their birth mother. We wondered if Anna reminded them of their little sister and because of that had feelings of resentment toward her?

Meals in the restaurant were interesting. The girls had no idea how to serve themselves food in a buffet, eat with utensils or even sit in a chair in the dinning room. They would stuff so much in their mouths at once and then choke. They looked like little chipmunks! 

At their foster home they ate with their hands or chopsticks and would sit on the floor. We helped them get their food and get settled at our table. In no time they would be up again and roam the dining room interrupting other families. People did not think their actions were cute and endearing- they were not little children. They were almost 8 and 9 yrs old.

Usually what other think would not bother us but since we were already struggling- it ate away at my already confused mind.

We went ahead and finished the paperwork. They girls were ours- we were confused but happy. When conversing and trying to figure out how to handle everything we always spoke positively and tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. We knew that the older children come to the families with very few experiences. They have so much to learn and we were up for being their teachers and parents!

The girls were always hungry. I am sure Emma was because she was 12 lbs lighter than her younger sister. Food was used to punish her and was constantly taken away from her. On top of that, the two girls had learned some unhealthy dynamics between them. Ellie got her food and she got what ever she wanted from Emma's plate too. That was the way they operated and it was understood by both of them.

Ellie was used to having something in her mouth all the time and when she wasn't eating she would choose to sleep.

Emma and Ellie would quickly grab the food as soon as it was placed on the table so we implemented the "all food comes from and is served by the parents" rule. We needed to do this in China with Sarah, too. It seems to work well and helps establish authority with the new adoptees.

We even served Katie!

The heat was so bad and we were very challenged so we chose to go to the local children's museum- that was a good choice! It was air conditioned (although they should have turned it up higher) and a relief from the the weather outside.

Ellie wanted Sarah all to herself and her allegiance to Emma quickly evaporated. 

Emma was in a world all her own and Anna was the outsider.

The girls did look cute in their matching outfits- it was a good choice. People would smile at them and comment on the 4 girls dressed alike! It was nice to have some positive feedback- we needed it!

Katie(big sister), Hubby and I were reconnecting. We added in some humor to lighten our load, we problem solved some situations and we prayed.

I felt completely confused. I was not drawn to these two girls? I didn't feel love for them although I did feel admiration? I didn't feel like I understood them- they bewildered me and my mind would spin off on a tangent thoughts.

I questioned God- what was he thinking? Is this what he wanted? Would I someday love them?

Did we make a mistake- no Jean don't go there, don't think that thought...

Of course then came the thought- What kind of creep am I? They are orphans, they need a home. They need love and a family?

I knew God guided US to them. They were supposed to OUR daughters and WE were supposed to be their parents. I knew that GOD does not make mistakes and HE would not leave us high and dry in this situation. I tried to put serious thoughts out of my head, for now we would just put one foot in front of the other and move forward!

I am sorry if this is hard to read. It needs to be said and it is therapeutic for me to write about it.

Families entering into older child adoption need to know it is a "journey" and it takes time to "arrive" at the desired destination.
FYI- We are still on the journey but we are happy with where we are at and happy with where we are heading!

Plus not to worry- ya'll know there's a happy ending!

Oh yes, and this night was every bit as bad as the previous night!